Diary Of A Pureblood Vampire (DISCONTINUED)
by Shadow's Tears
Summary: Take a peek inside the diary of our popular Vampire head Kaname Kuran. A little bit too OOC perhaps. WARNING: crack fic.
1. Bitty Bobby Blood

**My first VK fic. Sorry if many people find this idiotic, I was VEEERY bored when I typed this and the idea of an OOC Kaname was stuck in my head. I'm not sure just how much of OOCness I've added. **

**Carry on with the story.**

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15/4/2009

All right all right. Let me get down to the deal. The fact is, I'm not used to keeping a diary. The only reason I'm starting now is because I'm in exile and all those snot-faced people who were related to the high and mighty 'Elders Council' are like, so totally looking for me!

So like, I need to kill time somehow right? Yuuki doesn't know that when I say 'I have important work' I actually mean that 'I'm locked up in my room doing nothing!" Just look at me, I'm like, so bored that I'm dead! T_T

Oh wait. I'm a vampire. I can't DIE! I won't die! Never! Hahaha, I'm not like Zero to die!

He is a mere Level E whereas 'I' am a pureblood. Yeah, that's right people! Bow down to the king? Whose your king? That's right! ME. ME ME ME ME ME….! XD

So here I am. Spending my 5th month in 'exile'. Stupid people. Why can't they just leave me alone?

Aido keeps on shoving his nose like all the time! O_o

He claims that he wants to 'teach' Yuuki and that it's not fit for a pureblood princess to remain without an education. But I know the real reason why he comes. It's because he wants to be in my presence! To look at my pureblood self! He probably thinks '_wow, I'm like, looking at a real pureblood. I think I'll die from the joy!"_

Oh wait. He is also a vampire. So he can't die.

Haha. Stupid Aido and his 'I want to be your friend' dialogue. He says he likes me. That's like, so Gross! =O He's not normal. If he like, has a need to suck (did that sound wrong?) then let him feed on Kain. Why does he like, want to visit me all the time?

Here, it's just me and Yuuki. Oh yeah, Yuuki. She came with ME. Not with that loser white-haired Level E Zero. What's with his white hair anyway? Is he like really old or something? T_T

Anyway, He is like so annoying. He drank my blood. So a part of me is inside him now. EEW, that sounded wrong.

I am straight. I love only my sister Yuuki. She's thinks so highly about me. Hehe. Poor little girl.

Ok I like, need a name for this you during this time. I can't go on saying 'the days of exile' it would get so boring. Hmm

*Taps chin and tried to think*

I'll call you "The Ruka Chronicles."

NOO! I can't do that! I don't have any feelings for Ruka. The common little vampire actually thought I liked her. Ha. Sucking on her was pleasure enough (again no other meaning intended). Oh Ruka.

So what about 'Vlad'? Nah, too cliché.

I'll call you….Kiryuu Kun. NOOOO! I don't have any thoughts about that Level E. He's the farthest thing in my mind.

*Stares blankly at the wall*

How about 'Aido'? No. Akatsuki? AARGH! Why is it I'm not getting any names? A title for my days of exile?

I'll call this collection…..Twilight. Oh wait. That is a movie. Or is it a book? Doesn't matter. I'm better than that chump Edward. Haha. Edward what a name. It sounds all old. My name is so cool. Kaname. There's not another name like it.

That's it; this is the last name I'm going to think up….Bitty Bobby Blood! Yeah that sounds good! What a genius I am!

*stands up and starts doing the Macarena*

Ok, I have to go now. Kain has arrived. Sigh, the appearance of a pureblood is such a regal affair.

*skips out of his room*

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**Reviews please? No flames.**


	2. My Yuuki Can't Feed! :O

**Thank you to the people who reviewed and read. Yeah, OOC Kaname…really funny don't you think?**

**Kaname: No it's not! You're making me look like a total idiot!**

**Me: Too bad. It's my story.**

**Kaname: So what? Just because I'm a cartoon character doesn't mean I don't have feelings you know!**

**Me: Whatever…**

**Kaname: What do you mean 'whatever?" !**

**Zero: You suck. (haha, get it..?)"**

**Kaname: Wow Zero you finally realized have you?**

**Zero: Don't make fun of me. I can have my revenge now. Hey Shadow Sama, I have an awesome idea on what you can write for the next entry…(Whispers in my ear)**

**Kaname: HEEY! Don't do stuff like that without telling me too!**

**Me: Oh shut up ya sanguivorous beast.**

**Zero: (secretly to audience) for all those who don't know, sanguivorous is a biological term that means 'blood sucking.' It's generally used to describe leeches.**

**Kaname: Sang-what? All I am is a bloodsucker! Don't use obscene language with me!**

**Zero: For an educated person, you can certainly be retarded sometimes.**

**Me: Yuuki will like you more if you stop being so serious.**

**Kaname:(T_T) OK! Let's see what you can do!**

**Zero: Which brings us back to the retarded point.**

**Kaname: Yeah? Well…you smell funny! And you're all old!**

**Me: Please read and review. These two won't stop anytime soon.**

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Dear Bitty Bobby Blood,

Today Aido came over AGAIN! When I wasn't here! How ruuuuuude..! (-_-") Does he think he can step into a pureblood's house just like that without any permission?

My poor little Yuuki, she so nicely invited him in. She thinks he comes for the sake of teaching her. I don't want to burst her bubble by telling her that it's _ME _he comes to see. O.o

Oh yeah, me, me meeeee…! Muah Hahaha..! ^_^

Oh, and Bitty you know something? Yuuki still hasn't learned to drink blood! She was so starved and 'Oh-I'm-so-in-love-with-Kaname' _Aido_ tried to give her blood pills! How dare he give her blood tablets! Has he like forgotten that like, I'm a vampire and I'm not dead and I like, still have blood on which Yuuki can feed? (T_T)

Go my faithful pet wolves! Go and devour him! Eat up his….his…..Aido-ness! Muah ha ha…! That'll teach him! 'Cuz as long's Kaname's around, my Yuuki will never have to drink blood from another source. =P

But she refuses to suck on me! Her little fangs must be all delicate and stuff but still! That's like, a really huge insult to me! I want Yuuki to suck on me….. :-O

*looks around* I can tell you all this Bitty, because you won't tell anyone. All the other purebloods sympathize with me but I don't need it! Not as long as I have you!

I mean, as long as I have Zero. NOOOO!

As long as I have Yuuki. Yeah, that's better. As long as Yuuki's here I'm fine!

Ruka came in to check on us today. She still thinks she has a chance with me. Muah ha ha…! She'll never have another chance, never! According to her, some vampire named Sara…Sara…what was it? Sara Slimybooty? No, too vulgar. Sara Share-a-booby? No…too horny…Sara…Shirabooby? Shirabuki!

Yeah, that's right Sara Shirabuki! So Ruka was all up in my face, saying how this chick is like, entrancing young girls to like, be her slaves, and like, thus create her own army! All I could think of was how lovely Ruka's hair was looking…it's like, all soft and wavy and smooth. But not as nice as Kiryuu's hair which is all like, perfect. I wonder if she uses conditioner?

Wait, NOOOOO! I DO NOT LIKE RUKA!

I like Kiryuu kun. NOOOOO! No, I don't like that Level E! I like, no I LUUURV Yuuki. Oh yeah, she's like, a huge chunk of sizzling hotness! She's like, a hot walking sack of blood! Oooh yeah Yuuki.

*Hugs himself tightly while imagining Yuuki to be in his arms*

Bitty, I'll tell you something else? I don't actually know how to play chess. I know that like, a lot of people have seen me moving the chess pieces around, but like, I actually don't know how to play. I like, just randomly move the pieces while giving them names to suit the present situations! That's all. But it like, adds to my charm I suppose.

*stands in front of mirror and runs a hands through his locks while giving a very suggestive look*

Oh yeah. I'm like so hot. I'm so hot that even I want myself! I can't blame Ruka or Aido or Kiryuu for wanting me! But I'm only Yuuki's!

Muah ha ha! Only Yuuki can have her mouth on me! And I know how much she wishes to do it. She's probably shy. That's why she keeps saying 'I'm not used to it Kaname'. It's an excuse to hide her shyness and drink off me!

These days are like, so boring! The Elder's Council is like, trying to make peace with me! I knew they would. Because without me, like, they didn't have much hope to carry on.

Because I'm Kuran Kaname, the great Pureblood! The king of vampires! The most Vampirey of them all! I rock!

Ok Bitty, I have to go now. I have to clip my toenails and then polish my fangs so that Yuuki won't feel bad when I bite her. Her lesson with Aido gets over in another short while. And after that she'll be MINE! ALL MINE!

MUAH HA HA HA..!

Aido will be all 'I'll see you next time Kaname sama. I know he bids his time for the next time he can see me. I just know it!

Bye Bitty Bobby Blood.

*Runs out of room and trips on steps. Gets up and running, unaware that the reason why he tripped was because his pants are too loose due to the fact that he doesn't have a belt. He realizes it only after Aido points it out….*

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**Kaname: Haha, Aido's a looser..!**

**Me: Well, at least he's not retarded like you. He actually has the ability to **_**teach.**_

**Kaname: I can teach too! I just happen to be very busy.**

**Me: Yeah by polishing your fangs and pretending to be very knowledgeable at chess right…?**

**Zero: Please review.**


	3. Underwear Woes :g

**Entry 3! For some reason I don't think this one is as funny as the previous ones. I'm so glad that people are reading this and so is Kaname.**

**Kaname: Stop her! Stop this evil woman and her thoughts!**

**Me: Nothing you do can stop me! *laughs evilly***

**Kaname: How dare you defy me! I shall bite you! *bares fangs***

**Me: *quickly types that Kaname should become toothless***

**Kaname: *fangs and other teeth vanish* Hmmm! mmm mm mmm!**

**Me: Oh yeah, it's good to be queen.**

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Dear Bitty Bobby Blood,**

Today was like so boring! It was the most boring day of my 300 years of life! It was boring, boring, BOOOOOOOOOOOOORING…..!

Why does life have to be this boring anyway? Even the ice snot Aido didn't show up today. He had to meet _RUKA TODAY. _Something about finding more information about that Shirabooby lady.

Now who cares about them? Let's get back to me! This is MY diary after all! I went shopping today. My poor little Yuuki stayed alone today. Yup, all by herself.

Bitty, I'm slightly worried. I think everyone hates me; is it my fault I'm so powerful and awesome? I like, didn't ask to be born as a pureblood did I? It just happened. And that was like, all Rido's fault! Who like, told him to like, wake me up from my coffin? Stupid jobless fufubum!

Right, so let me get back to my day. I went shopping for undies today! Because, like, my supply is like running short and I like, needed more. The stupid bats in the basement keep on taking them away from the drier.

They're like, bats though. How did they manage to open the door? T_T Stupid birds.

Wait, what are bats actually? They're like, flying rats right?

*_Door suddenly opens and a horde of bats come swooping in*_

AAAHH! Back! Stay back you creatures of the night? Oh wait, I am also a creature of the night. Screw that, Stay away! Be gone you flying menaces!

_*Extends right hand and draws features into a stern look*_

Wait! My powers aren't working! They always used to work in the anime! I'm Kuran Kaname I say! Don't you dare take my blood it hurts when you bite you know? My skin's as delicate as a baby's bottom I bruise easily!

AAARGH!

_*runs out of room as bats follow. They run into the hall*_

Stay away! Here, behold the awesome power of my-

_*reaches into shopping bag hoping to find a weapon*_

-My underwear!

_*Bats look and start laughing before flying away!*_

Eh? What's so funny? AARRGH! Bitty, what's so funny here? Is there anything wrong in a pureblood vampire enjoying the fact that he prefers hearts on his underwear? A lot of people like it I know they do…I can't be the only one!

I know Aido likes them! Hah, mine are a masculine shade of blue. He probably buys pink lace underwear! MUAHHAHAHA…!

Yeah, Aido the girly-bummed loser! So anyway, let me continue. Those stupid bats must be like, a hybrid or something. How else could they learn how to open the drier door? It's like so annoying. This is like, the fate of being a pureblood; even your underwear gets coveted.

Anyway. So back to the hate thing. Yuuki doesn't hate me. She always tells me that. But why does Zero hate me? That's like so fair especially after I gave him MY blood. Sharing blood like develops a bond you know?

Wait why am I thinking of Zero? He's just another snot, like the rest of those stupid kids at the idiot Kaien's school. Haha, Kaien looks like a GIIRL! With that long hair and stuff? And what's his obsession with like, the color pink? He wears pink all the time….pink apron, pink shirt…I'll bet he even owns pink lacey undies! Muah Hahaha! Pink doesn't like, suit him though. Zero would look totally hot in lacey pink undies, it like suits his pale complexion!

WAIT NOOOO! I'm straight. I meant to say Yuuki would look hot in lacey pink undies! Wait, I mean….NOO! How did this turn out so bad? My innocent little Yuuki. I'm so glad she doesn't know what I think of her. It would like, make things so complicated. -_-'

So I returned from shopping. There's nothing much going on here. Seiren came to ask if I needed anything. Stupid Seiren. She like always keeps popping in when I least expect it! I hate that! And she creeps me out, her eyes are like, too light for her face…! Yeeep!

I'm so glad I have you Bitty. If you had any blood, I'd bite you very hard and drink every drop of it….how I wish I could.

Ok I have to go now. Have to have a word with those bats about stealing other people's undies! If they like them so much, then they should just buy their own!

So bye Bitty. I can trust you, I know you'll never steal my underwear, no matter how much you desire them.

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**reviews?**


	4. Poetry Galore!

**Sorry for the late update everyone! I had a hard time getting hold of Kaname's diary pages.**

**Kaname: That's not very nice you know! And how did you get it by the way?**

**Zero: I did it. I'm working for her now.**

**Kaname: I should have known! You fiends! I shall…I shall…**

**Me: Keep saying 'I shall?"**

**Kaname: I'll show you an 'I shall'!**

**Me+ Zero: (T_T) That didn't make any sense.**

**Zero: You so totally copied that from that guy in Wizards of Waverly Place.**

**Kaname: So?**

**Me: Hey, I found your friends. *lets loose a group of bats***

**Kaname: AHHH! *runs out of room***

**Me: On with the entry**

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**Right…so here I am….back again…writing in you Bitty. Bitty, I think Yuuki is getting bored here. Well I like, don't blame her. I mean, if someone like me, the great Kaname Kuran is feeling bored then what will my poor Yuuki be feeling? I know! I'll write her a poem! A nice, sweet romantic one saying how much I love her! Hmm…but it has to be good…which style should I pick?

Idea 1:The Shakespearean Style

Oh thy fair maiden

Come down on me with your gentle breath

The dawn breathes, much like…..

NOOO! It's too…to 'thy-ish' and….mushy! I Kaname Kuran, can be romantic, but never never NEVER EVER mushy.

*tries to imagine himself with a Shakespeare style beard and shudders*

Hmm..what are my other options?

_(2 minutes later during which Kaname has discarded three reams of paper in an attempt to write a poem and still hadn't gotten any inspiration)_

Idea 2: The Cheerleader Style

Y! U! U K I!

Give me Five!

Put your hands up, put 'em High!

Yuuki! Yuuki!

WHOO!

Nah…too...perky. That is never acceptable. I, Kaname Kuran, am never perky. I'm a very subtle person.

_*quickly grabs dictionary to make sure he has used subtle in a proper manner*_

ARRRGH..! This is like, so not working! I rather liked this idea though. I think I would look good in one of those cheerleading outfits! They're so kawaii and colorful! But for Yuuki's sake, I shall sacrifice my desire of cheering this poem to her while wearing one of those uniforms

_*sadly glances at cheer suit in the closet*_

Idea 3: The Nursery Rhyme Style

Come Come Yuuki

Have you any blood?

Yes lord, yes lord

A body full of blood

Some for my tutor

Some for Kaname

And some for the little vampire who is a Level E

WTF? How come Aidou gets a share of blood? No way will I let him fasten his ugly fangs onto Yuuki's neck. And that LUZER Zero won't get any either! Why did he suddenly come into this poem which was meant only for my Yuuki? If he wants blood, he can take mine…Yes he can have mine! I'll relish the feeling of his fangs sinking into me…and they'll pierce my artery and slowly suck in the elixir that keeps us all alive…ooh…Kiryuu Kun. I mean Aidou.

NOO! NONE OF THEM ! It's not my fault I feel sympathetic for Kiryuu. No one deserves to die but, like, really! You understand me don't you Bitty? See, that's why I write to you always. Everyone else will think I'm crazy for showing some pity on a person who doesn't deserve anything!

All right, I'm going off topic here. Hmm…I need some inspiration! Wait, let me look at Yuuki's photo that might get the old noggin a-movin!

_*looks through desk draw and pulls out a small box filled with pictures*_

Hey…I have this hot picture of Zero shirtless here…I wonder where it came from? Did I take it from Yuuki by any chance? No, I don't think so…for some reason my memory is forcing me to think that I snuck into his dorm and snapped it before he went for a shower…but that cant be correct I would have remembered. The only other logical solution is…. Aidou!

Of course. He probably has the hots for that lowly Level E! MUAHAHA stupid Aidou and his girly lacy pink undies! I think he left it here and I just happened to pick it up. Now where's that picture of Yuuki?

_*rummages further into box*_

Ah! Here it is. How innocent she looks with her short hair and her uniform! Oooh I feel inspired! I shall now write!

_*Scribbles on paper. An hour later….*_

Here's the result Bitty! I Hope you approve of it! Ahem Ahem…

You

-Kaname Kuran

I Love you Yuuki

My little koochy-poo

You're cute and sweet

Like Scooby Doo

I just want to drink your blood

Like a honey-thirsty bee

Please can you expose your neck to me?

HEEE…..What do you think Bitty? Think she'll like t\it? I think she will! Ok, here I go I'm gonna give it to her now. I must be careful. Kaname don't barge into her room like how you did last time. Just wait behind a curtain and wait for her to pass then mysteriously come out…it'll make her think you have a sixth sense when it comes ti her!

_*goes to find Yuuki*_

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_**Me: Koochy-poo? T_T**

**Zero: -_-" To think Yuuki chose you…what would she do if she read this?**

**Kaname: It's cute! And of course she'll read it I wrote it for her!**

**Zero: Oh boy.**

**Me: Please review readers, and advise Kaname that koochy-poo is NOT endearing.**

**Kaname: Says you!**


	5. The Diary has been exposed! :S :O

**Me: So…Aido…you came across Kaname's diary?**

**Aido: Well, I went to go look for him after Yuuki's lesson was over and it was lying open on his desk.**

**Me: doesn't that qualify as snooping?**

**Aido: Isnt that what you're doing as well? And you got Kiryuu kun involved as well.**

**Me: Point noted. So what was your reaction when you read it?**

**Aido: Why don't you just read the note I left on one of the pages?**

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Woah. This I simply cannot believe. Our Kaname sama actually thinks like _THIS_?

I'm simply at a loss of words here. And I'm really quite offended. It's not like it's my fault I suggested blood tablets to Yuuki that day! She was blood starved for heck's sake! Did he really expect her to wait until he got back? She would have fainted due to lack of blood intake.

I never had eyes for Yuuki. She's a nice girl, but really. She's Kaname's woman I wouldn't dare lay a finger on her. Get that into your head Kaname, I DON'T LIKE YUUKI.

And what's this crap about underwear? Kaname sama wears underwear with hearts on them? OMG now this I cannot hold back I must laugh….BWAHAHAHAA….! Kaname wears heart underwear! :D

But hey, what's this about me wearing pink lace underwear? I most certainly don't! Unlike _you_, Kaname sama, I happen to wear boxers. And they're very manly if I say so myself! No prints, just solid _masculine _colors got it?

Woah…Zero's mentioned here a lot. Is Kaname sama thinking of making him a plaything or something? Poor Kiryuu kun he has no idea what's happening to him. I'm starting to wonder if perhaps Yuuki was better off staying with him instead. And Kaname sucked Ruka's blood? She belongs to Kain I say! Ooooh….I'm so gonna tell him! I shall Xerox these pages and distribute it to everyone in the night dorm! And I have sources to get this into the papers! ^_^

HAHAAHAA Kaname sama tried to write poetry! Come Come Yuuki have you any blood? He totally copied that from 'Baa Baa black sheep!" Note Kaname sama, 'koochi poo' does NOT sound cute!

The bats hate him too? Poor creatures I wonder what he did to them. I wonder who this mysterious person called 'Shadow's Tears' is? It sounds like they are trying to expose Kaname for who he really is.

Fear not Shadow's Tears Sama, I shall help you to uncover this fraud!

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**Aido: HAHAHA..! Koochi poo**

**Zero: Do you understand now why I never respected him from the start?**

**Me: so I guess you and Zero are on the same side now eh?**

***Aido and Zero eye each other warily***

**Aido: I suppose so. We have one goal; and that's to prove Kaname is an idiot.**

**Me: Hear hear! Please review and support our undercover work!**


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